The Things That I'm Afraid To Share

It's very rare that I read or listen to something and it has a really long lasting effect on me but the Jess Lively episode and blog post where she opened up about all the things that she was afraid to share has stuck with me for years. There was just something about that post that really resonated with me and I finally felt like it was time to do my own. Whilst I do feel like I'm a pretty honest person through my more personal posts there are certainly things I don't share online, mostly because I'm scared. But here are the things that scare me to share not just online but with the people in my real life too. There is something so refreshing about doing this as it takes the power out of those things.

I'M SCARED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO DO IT ALL

The past week or so I've had quite a few things on my plate and I've been completely overwhelmed by the fact that I just can't seem to do it all. And whilst I know it's something that we all struggle with it, I even wrote an entire post on the topic it doesn't make it feel any easier on your brain and it makes you feel like a complete failure. I'm sure like most people I feel like every time I log onto the internet that everyone else is doing everything to the best of their ability and not struggling at all. It seems like everyone can handle life perfectly which I know isn't the reality of it at all but I still feel myself buckling under the pressure. I find myself worrying and panicking on a daily basis and when it gets to the end of the day and I don't seem to have done absolutely everything I wanted I feel like I've failed. Of course, this pressure mostly comes from myself but there outside factors that only add to that feeling.

I'M SCARED WHEN THINGS GO WELL

When things go well I'm always so happy and of course feel incredibly grateful but then I start to feel the fear of it all going wrong and the good things going away. Maybe it's because I'm really terrible at living in the moment or just generally I'm quite a fearful person. Since February this year, things have been going really well work wise for me and whilst some people might feel comfortable sharing that and I totally celebrate other people's successes when it's come to my own I struggle. It's like if I share that things are going well then I will tempt fate for things to end. It seems odd that it's almost easier to share when things aren't going well compared to when they are. Being so scared that things are going to come crashing down any second isn't a fun way to live and embracing any situation for what it is, good or bad is something I'm trying to work on constantly.

I'M SCARED OF THE FUTURE AND WHAT'S TO COME

I scrapped the idea of having a 5-year plan a long time ago because I knew how pointless it was as we can't plan for everything in life and that's just the way it is. But the future terrifies me, it is, of course, exciting not knowing what's to come and that's how I feel 80% of the time as there is so much potential and possibility and that's awesome. But then it's hard not let the current state of the world become overwhelming as there are so many travesties happening on a daily basis and the upcoming election is probably weighing heavily on all our minds as we want what we believe is the best for the country and the people living in it.

I'M SCARED OF NOT BEING A GOOD GIRLFRIEND

Typically my boyfriend isn't really here and we spend 85% of our relationship apart which I've learnt to be really good at. It wasn't always this way, of course, that took some adjusting to but because I've become so used to him not being here that when he is here I find myself struggling. Not something you typically expect to hear from someone who spends all their time wanting to spend time with their most loved one but it's not an easy adjustment. When my boyfriend comes home I inevitably find myself wanting to make up for the time that we haven't had together but then everything else I do seems to suffer. My exercise routine goes out the window, I work at all sorts of weird hours and then the pressure to be a good girlfriend is something I find overwhelming. When you get so used to having your relationship one way when it does a complete 180 it's hard to adjust and because I'm used to and good on my own having to then share my time with another human isn't simple, especially when it's not usually for longer than a two week period.

I'M SCARED TO RELY ON ANYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF

I'm incredibly fortunate to have an amazing family, best friend and boyfriend of course. And I know that I could always turn to them if I needed to which is such a privilege to have in this world. But something I find difficult is to rely on anyone else but myself for anything, I don't like sharing the load whatever it is whether it's the housework, financially and even emotionally. A few years ago I relied on a past relationship too much and when it ended I felt like my entire world was over. It scared me so much and took me so long to heal that it made me terrified to ask anything of anyone else. And I don't believe this an entirely bad trait to have but I find it near on impossible to accept help from anyone else even when I really need it. It's so ironic that I'm scared of being a good girlfriend and having a great relationship when I won't let someone else attempt to the same for me.

& A FEW MORE THINGS I'M SCARED TO SHARE

That my mental health seems to be getting much more complex.
That I spend far too much time worrying about doing my tax return and doing it wrong even though I've been self employed nearly 4 years..
That sometimes my imposter syndrome becomes unbearable.
That I'm not sure if I want to have children.
That I can be incredibly selfish with my time.
That sometimes I don't feel like I'm deserving to be in the blogging world.
That for the past two years I've not been able to feel my arms or hands properly but we can't seem to figure out why.
That I really want to get married before I'm 30.
That I'm so scared about my hairline going back even further.
That despite all of these things I'm the happiest that I've been in years.